Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
