I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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