There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
