Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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