I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Randomize
