Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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