rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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