I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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