I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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