oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
