Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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