my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
