im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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