So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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