BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My ass is underappreciated
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
