I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
