As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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