I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
