Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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