I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Woke up backwards on a recliner
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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