mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
