she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
