Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
