the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
