Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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