I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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