Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
