If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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