im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
