Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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