I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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