When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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