This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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