they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
