Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
