I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
