He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
FUCK WHALES
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
