We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
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