I faked an abortion last night.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
