I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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