I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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