I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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