were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
