Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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