Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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