Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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