my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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