Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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