Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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