I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
