Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
