I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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