Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
