I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
