between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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