every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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