I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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