my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
